


last first kiss

by thunderylee



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's WEST, KAT-TUN (Band), Kis-My-Ft2 (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-01
Updated: 2009-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-01 22:19:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12713961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: Yamapi never thought he would have to grow up.





	last first kiss

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck. written for je_holiday 2008.

Sometimes Yamapi forgets how old he is. It feels like overnight he went from everyone’s favorite kouhai to everyone’s favorite senpai. “Yamapi-senpai” still feels foreign to hear, no matter how young the voice from which it’s called.

“Something eating at you, Pi?” Ryo asks, and Yamapi wonders if Ryo ever even thinks about addressing him by his actual name.

Yamapi shakes his head, a blatant lie. Ryo probably knows better; while he’s very insightful, it’s just that most of the time he doesn’t care enough to act on it. This is one of those times, being as they’re in the middle of a show and waiting for Tegoshi and Massu to finish their duet.

“Snap out of it,” Ryo hisses. “You’re a star.”

“I’m a star,” Yamapi repeats automatically. After all of this time, he’s no longer surprised that Ryo is more of a leader than he is, at least when it comes to Yamapi himself.

Koyama usually baby-sits the juniors, but this time the juniors are old enough to baby-sit themselves. At least some of them, Yamapi mentally amends as he sees the younger half of Hey!Say!Jump! up to no good by the costume racks. Ironically, they are also the ones who are no longer technically “juniors.”

Since it’s Koyama and Shige’s side of the room, he doesn’t say a word, only watches in amusement as Yamada and Nakajima continue doing whatever they’re doing to the costumes. Their smirks are identical and equally as devious, and Yamapi can’t help but smile at the memories they bring. He remembers quite a few times when he joined forces with his best friend to cause havoc backstage at a concert; to his knowledge, Takki _still_ tells one particular story at parties.

Thinking about Jin makes Yamapi feel warm, and not in the way that makes his many layers even _more_ uncomfortable. As a junior, Yamapi didn’t care who saw what as long as they were having fun and put on a good show. Even after Jin met Kame and Yamapi met Ryo, doubling their trouble, it didn’t really seem like they were getting older. As long as he and Jin were together, somehow they’d remain kids forever.

He’s not quite sure when it changed, but now Yamapi gets up and goes to work every day, pays bills, and worries about adults things like the economy and when he’s going to have time to eat. He’s hardly seen his mother and sister since he moved out, and even though Pin isn’t really his dog, he doesn’t see her nearly as much as half of her namesake should.

He works and poses and doesn’t smile, has mastered the art of undressing sexily and most recently pretending that he can sing in English. His hair and skin are perfect, his body desirable no matter his weight, Japan’s Sweetheart Yamapi from the age of eleven until today. Twelve years in the spotlight and Yamapi still doesn’t know why they like him, why so many people follow his nikki or care what he has to say about anything at all.

For the past couple years it seems like he’s just been going through the motions of being an idol, and he’s not quite sure when it stopped being fun and started being _work_. He tries to stay optimistic, facing each day with his head up and full determination to do his best, but when he comes home at night the nasty part of his conscience kicks in and he wonders why he bothers, what’s the point when he’s going to end up old and alone like so many others in this industry.

Ryo shoots him a concerned glance, but Yamapi’s been in this business long enough to act without even thinking about it, offering Ryo a half-smile and looking to all the world that he’s just winding down before a performance. Even though Ryo may be insightful, it’s no match for Yamapi’s acting skills, which admittedly aren’t that great but it’s good enough to fool the both of them.

Then Koyama and Shige run out onto the stage and perform their entire song with absolutely no knowledge of the butts of their costumes being cut out, and Yamapi thinks there’s something to be said about the innocence of youth.

+

They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, and Yamapi can say that that’s happened to him more times than it should to the same person. First his father, then his bandmates, and finally his best friend. Even though the last one was the only one who actually came back, it was the one that hurt the most.

“You’re too attached to me,” Jin told him once, completely in jest, but every now and then Yamapi will close his eyes and admit the truth behind those words. For six months he dreamt of flying to L.A., surprising him, bringing him home. Particularly on New Year’s Eve, when he was so overcome with emotion as a result from his group being reinstated (three-fourths of them, anyway), all he wanted was to share it with his best friend. Ryo was there, but he doesn’t love Ryo the same way he loves Jin.

It took nearly a decade to figure it out, and not until Jin was gone. He kept thinking that he was just missing him, the man he used to see every day resorted to phone calls every other week or so, but then Jin came home and Yamapi missed him just as much. The comfortable friendship they fell right back into wasn’t enough; when he stopped to think about it, it never really had been enough.

Yamapi walks thoughtfully, enjoying the crisp spring air that’s just as unrushed as he is. It’s ironic since this is the only time all month they can see each other; he should be a little more enthusiastic, and he might be if he knew that Jin would be the same. He isn’t the only one who’s grown up, he supposes.

He’s grateful when his manager calls, interrupting the monotony of their visit. Jin doesn’t even roll his eyes, just pulls out his phone to text whoever – Yamapi doesn’t know Jin’s friends anymore – and watching the people around them like he’d rather be any one of them.

Rather than follow Jin’s glance, Yamapi’s eyes drift towards the window as humans are prone to do, attracted to the natural light from the outside world. He tunes out his manager as the crowds of people quickly pass by in both directions, always in such a hurry. It’s a busy street with a lot of places to go, and Yamapi’s vision falls out of focus a little until he notices the two who are _not_ moving.

He recognizes them, if only by their hair. That Kansai Junior group, B.A.D. Yamapi can’t recall what it stands for or even their names – he remembers Nakama but doesn’t know which one he is – and he figures their reason for being in Tokyo has to do with Gokusen 3. Everything he _doesn’t_ know about them rushes to the front of his mind as a subconscious attempt to _not_ acknowledge what they’re actually _doing_.

One of them doesn’t have a jacket, shivering a little as the wind picks up. The shivering ceases as soon as the other shares his warmth, wrapping his arms around his bandmate and seeing no problem with nuzzling his face in his neck right there on the street in front of everybody. The one without a jacket squirms like the other’s nose is cold, which it probably is, and Yamapi thinks it’s cute for about two seconds until he remembers who they are.

Jin’s staring at him oddly when he ends his call and tears his eyes away. “You look like you’re ready to hit someone.”

Yamapi hadn’t even realized that he was making a fist, and the hand that holds his coffee is shaking. “It’s nothing.”

His words come too late; Jin’s already looked outside, laughing out loud when he sees what Yamapi saw. “Kiriyama-kun and Nakama-kun!” he says fondly. “I didn’t know they were still in town. Shall I invite them to join us?”

There’s a humor in Jin’s voice that tells Yamapi he’s kidding, but his body tenses anyway. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

“I don’t know why you don’t like those guys,” Jin says with a shrug, looking at Yamapi over his cup as he takes a drink. “I didn’t even know you knew them.”

“I don’t,” Yamapi admits. “I’m sure they’re nice guys, it’s just… do you think it’s okay to act like that in public?”

“Like what?” Jin asks automatically, turning back to scrutinize the Kansai pair as they pull apart but keep their hands clasped. “They’re really close, aren’t they?”

“There are no cameras,” Yamapi mumbles. “They’re acting of their own free will.”

Jin laughs again, but there’s a sadness in his eyes when he leans back against the chair and regards Yamapi with a sympathetic look. “We used to act like that, Pi.”

“I know,” Yamapi replies immediately, cringing as the reason for his frustration makes itself clear. “But we’re grown now.”

Jin blinks and takes another drink. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“We all have to grow up sometime,” Yamapi replies sternly. “We can’t be carefree kids forever.”

Jin stares at him for a long time, so long that Yamapi gets uncomfortable and averts his eyes. That’s when Jin chuckles and shakes his head. “Growing up doesn’t mean distancing yourself from your past.”

Yamapi doesn’t look up. “It doesn’t mean dwelling in it either.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath, and Yamapi’s concern overrides anything else. Jin’s eyes flash something indescribable, like he’s angry, but it immediately subsides with a very fake chuckle. “Wouldn’t it have been fun to be a two-person unit?”

Yamapi hears the semantics behind that question more than the actual question. _Wouldn’t it have been_ , implying that no, it wouldn’t be fun _anymore_. “Yeah,” Yamapi replies quietly. “It would have.”

Jin starts to reach for Yamapi’s hand, but Yamapi automatically jerks away. Jin looks like he expected it, though, his hand falling carelessly to his own knee as he heaves a sigh. “I have to go,” he mutters, standing up so fast that he almost upsets the table, and he’s now the one who won’t meet Yamapi’s eyes. “Good luck with everything you have going on. It was nice seeing you.”

As Yamapi watches him leave, he can’t decide who the bigger coward is.

+

He’s in a box, his body small enough to fit without being a contortionist, and hiding from… whoever he’s hiding from. He only has to wonder for about twenty seconds until one of the flaps is torn away and he squints up into Jin’s teenage face. Yamapi stares in awe, seeing for himself the awkward-looking kid who hasn’t yet grown into his features, bushy hair sticking out in every direction because he could never quite get it right.

“Found ya,” Jin says with a giggle, and immediately crawls into the box with him.

Yamapi starts to protest, the exasperated “how old are we?” forming in his throat, but the first syllable leads him to realize the _literal_ answer to that question, and Jin takes advantage of his hesitation to clasp a hand over his mouth.

“Shh,” Jin hisses in his ear, having absolutely no concept of personal space even in such an enclosed area. He’s so close that Yamapi can feel his eyelashes fluttering on his cheek, and it’s so quiet that he can hear Jin’s excited heartbeat as well as his own. He’s pretty sure they’re excited for different reasons, though.

Someone is rustling around outside, and Yamapi starts; Jin lets go of his mouth and hugs him like it happens everyday. “Relax,” he whispers. “It’s just Ryo-chan.”

So close. His eyes grow accustomed to the dark and Jin’s right there, his gangly limbs embracing Yamapi like he’s protecting him from the Big Bad Ryo. If Yamapi’s calculations are right, though, Ryo’s not very big and bad at all right now.

Jin licks his lips, like he does when he’s nervous instead of when he’s putting on a show, and Yamapi’s eyes dart over to meet his. Even in the dark, he can see that Jin is wide-eyed and curious, his gaze dropping down to Yamapi’s lips before he lets his eyes fall shut completely. Yamapi feels a strong pull and turns his head, feeling Jin clutch onto his shirt and urge him to close the very minimal distance between them.

And then the box breaks. Jin rolls to the side, choking on hysterics, and Yamapi tries to calm down as he sees a very young Ryo looking smug on the couch.

“Found ya,” says Ryo lazily, his voice cracking. “I win.”

Jin stops laughing abruptly and puts his hands on his hips, which isn’t really that menacing since he’s still sitting down. “ _What_.”

“Shall I write it out for you?” Ryo asks seriously, grabbing a page of his notebook paper and a pen. “I W-I-N.”

He holds it up triumphantly, grinning in a way that makes Yamapi smile while Jin scowls. “Bullshit. _I_ found him first. _I_ win.”

Ryo sighs. “That’s not how it works, idiot.”

“Fine, we’ll ask Tomohisa.” Jin whips his head around to face Yamapi, his expression determined but his eyes anxious, and Yamapi knows that there’s more to this than a childish game. “Who wins, Tomo-chan? Me or Ryo?”

When Yamapi gets older, even just a few years, he’ll dislike being referred to by his first name, but hearing it now in Jin’s adolescent voice floods his body with warmth. He’s been Yamapi for quite awhile, but once upon a time he was Tomohisa.

“Jin,” he says slowly, not sure if he’s answering the question or just saying his name. His own voice sounds foreign, enough to visibly shock him, but neither Jin nor Ryo seem to notice because Ryo has pounced on them from across the room. Yamapi crashes to the floor – Ryo’s _heavy_ for such a little person – and immediately tries to fend off two sets of hands conspiring to tickle him to death.

“What the hell!” Yamapi squeals, unable to even be embarrassed properly due to the concentration it takes to fight them. “Unfair!”

Jin and Ryo giggle and pause long enough to say, “You lost.”

Yamapi sits straight up in bed, feeling like the wind has been knocked out of him as he rushes to catch his breath. He can’t believe that it was only a dream, something that strong. It takes a minute for him to gather himself, during which he realizes that it was in fact a memory and not a dream, only he doesn’t remember actually trying to kiss Jin.

He wanted to, though. It was something he blocked out of his memory and banished to the deep, dark part of his mind never to be seen again. Yamapi thinks that Jin probably has an entire category of memories down stored there, even if Jin himself doesn’t know about any of them.

They come to Yamapi in a rush, so fast that he has to close his eyes and brace his hands on either side of him to keep from falling over. All of the times Yamapi has thought about it, the casual things Jin has said because he’s Jin and he doesn’t think before he speaks.

_“What do you mean, you haven’t had your first kiss yet!” Jin practically screamed, calling attention to nearly everyone in the store. “You’re seventeen!”_

_Yamapi flailed a bit, looking around them before shoving Jin outside in the snow. “You don’t have to be so loud about it,” he muttered._

_“Okay, fine,” Jin said resolutely, puffing up his chest and taking a deep breath. “As your best friend, you give me no choice but to do it.”_

_“Do what?!” Yamapi screeched, stepping back. “Oh no you don’t, Bakanishi.”_

_“You can’t turn eighteen without being kissed,” Jin told him logically, continuing to step forward until Yamapi felt the cold wall against his back. “Let me.”_

_“No!” Yamapi insisted, gently pushing him away. “I want it to mean something.”_

_Jin blinked and backed off. “In that case, I hope you don’t regret it.”_

He did. Yamapi will never forget the girl whose name he can’t even remember, the one who played his girlfriend in Stand Up! and was adamant about practicing their scenes off camera. His nose wrinkles just thinking about her – not that she was ugly or anything, but she wasn’t anyone special. It didn’t mean anything; it was _work_. If there’s one thing he should tell the juniors now, it’s not to put off waiting for the right person to come along. He knows now that he should have done it when it felt right.

Even if that meant doing it with his best friend.

Yamapi flops onto his back and stares at the ceiling, another sleepless night in the middle of a string of concerts. Tossing and turning, he can’t seem to clear his mind until finally, after years of pushing it aside and burying it in the depths of his mind, he thinks about it. What it would be like, even now that they’re grown. Now that Jin has grown into his face, particularly his mouth, and knows what he’s doing. Neither one of them is young and innocent anymore, and thinking about it now, maybe that’s a good thing.

When he finally falls asleep, it’s peaceful.

Before he knows it it’s New Year’s Eve, and he’s standing around doing a whole lot of nothing while the rest of his group runs around like crazy preparing to host. He sees Jin across the way with his own group, pretending to be bored while Kame speaks heatedly about something that is clearly not worth Jin’s attention, and Yamapi spares a thought to _their_ friendship too. Kame used to be one of them; it’s funny how people grow apart.

Ryo’s draped across a chair, studying his cart-jumping choreography and preparing to bounce back and forth between groups just like last year. Yamapi looks at him and smiles, seeing fifteen-year-old Ryo in his place and wishing for the first time ever that they could just go back. Go back and _never leave_. They could be fifteen forever and never have to worry about adult things. They would never have to grow up.

“Yamapi-senpai!” calls a familiar voice, and Yamapi has an urge to rub his eyes.

“Fujigaya-kun,” he says calmly. “I’ve told you many times, you don’t have to call me senpai.”

Taipi flashes a brilliant grin. “But I want to.”

Yamapi supposes he can’t argue with that. “What do you need?”

The grin immediately falls. “I’ve lost two of my group!”

Yamapi jumps to attention, the severity of the situation weighing on him. “This isn’t good. The show is supposed to start in twenty minutes! Who are you missing?”

“Ken-chan and Nika,” Taipi replies, slowly becoming frantic.

“The two youngest? They could be _anywhere_.” Yamapi groans. “Did you check the bathrooms?”

Taipi offers an unimpressed look, like that was the _first_ place he checked. “It’s snowing and neither of them smoke, so they have no reason to be outside…”

“Let’s check anyway,” Yamapi says, and Taipi nods right away. Together they weave through the madness backstage, and it’s not until they actually get outside that Yamapi realizes something very important. “Why isn’t Kitayama-kun looking for his missing group members?”

Taipi sucks his lip into his mouth and looks sheepish. “Because I didn’t tell him they were missing?”

Rolling his eyes, Yamapi follows Taipi around the corner and nearly knocks him over when the latter stops short right in front of him. When Yamapi looks over his head, he sees why.

At least they found them, he supposes. They’re outside after all, and while they’re definitely not smoking, there are visible puffs of air rising up from their joined mouths.

Yamapi’s too shocked to react, but Taipi bursts out into unconstrained laughter and nearly falls to his knees.

Senga and Nikaido appear undisturbed, too lost in each other to pay much attention to their company. Yamapi is starting to think that he’s going to have to physically break them apart when their kiss ends naturally, Senga licking his lips while a goofy smile forms on Nikaido’s face.

His back against the wall, Senga is the only one who can see the other two and jumps a little when he notices them. “Nika, we’re not alone.”

Nikaido’s head swivels around, but he looks relieved when he sees who it is. “Oh, it’s just you.”

Taipi is positively _beaming_ when he regains control of his breathing. “Don’t disappear like that! If you want to go make out, at least tell somebody first.”

“Sorry-” Senga starts, at the same time that Nikaido says, “Yeah, that was my fault.”

They both laugh. “Nika brought me out here to confess,” Senga says shyly.

Nikaido is an interesting shade of red and won’t look at Yamapi. “I didn’t think it would be okay to be like this, but I couldn’t go any longer without saying something.”

“It’s okay with _me_ ,” Senga tells him. “That’s what’s important, right?”

Taipi spins to face Yamapi. “It’s okay to be like that, right Yamapi-senpai?”

All three of them look at Yamapi hopefully, his juniors looking to him for approval once again. “Of course,” he says without thinking. “You should always love without restriction.”

Senga grins brightly as he reaches down to intertwine his fingers with Nikaido’s. “Come on, let’s go ring in the New Year. _Together_.”

“Yeah, get back to _work_ ,” Taipi teases them, stepping right between them as they head back inside.

Yamapi stands still for a moment as everything crashes in his mind at once. Dazed, he follows a step behind, the reality becoming more like a metaphor as he sees Senga and Nikaido continue to hold hands with no shame.

From across the room he catches Jin’s eye, and this time he doesn’t look away. Jin looks confused and offers a little wave, but Yamapi just keeps staring. That’s about the time Ryo yanks him by his collar because the show is about to start and everyone’s in their place but him.

Midnight comes and goes, another year said and done, and it’s a credit to Yamapi’s experience that he can drift his way through the following performances. His group doesn’t expect him to talk a lot anyway, and he could perform all of these random medleys in his sleep. When he, Ryo, Jin, and Kame team up once again to sing Seishun Amigo, the irony is too great for Yamapi to keep a straight face.

“Nice to see you smiling again,” Ryo hisses, sparing a pat on the back before he rushes across the stage to sing with Kanjani8.

“Yeah it is,” Jin agrees, offering an amused look as he brushes past Yamapi to return to his group.

Yamapi makes sure his mic is off, then jogs to catch up with Jin. “Can I talk to you after the show?”

“Yeah sure,” Jin says nonchalantly, then disappears.

Yamapi doesn’t know how he manages to make it to the end of the show; he feels seventeen again with the way his nerves are shot, his heart pounding and paranoia on high. He feels like everybody around him can see into his head and knows exactly what he’s thinking, what he’s planning on doing, and they don’t approve at all.

Too bad for them, Yamapi doesn’t care anymore.

He sneaks behind the backs of senpai and kouhai to tug on Jin’s sleeve, stealthily dragging him off the stage before the credits even roll. Surprisingly Jin doesn’t struggle, even when Yamapi heaves open the back door and flings them both outside, unintentionally pushing Jin against the wall.

“Cold,” Jin mutters, unconcerned at being pinned by his friend.

Yamapi doesn’t think he could even _think_ about being cold with the way his blood is boiling, his tension running on high now that he’s _this close_ to getting what he wants, maybe what he’s always wanted.

He doesn’t even know how it happens; somewhere along the lines he must have closed his eyes and leaned in, because his eyes are most definitely closed and his lips are most definitely pressing against Jin’s, gentle enough to cradle the resulting gasp but firmly enough to show that he’s not kidding around.

Jin’s hands lightly rest on his back, and for a terrifying few seconds Yamapi thinks that Jin is going to make him stop. It makes him kiss harder, tilting his head and sliding his hand up Jin’s neck to cup his jaw.

Then Jin cracks up, breaking Yamapi’s concentration, and he glares at him as he reluctantly pulls away. “I thought you were going to _hit_ me,” he says seriously, eyes wide and lips shiny from Yamapi’s efforts.

“I wanted to be your first kiss,” Yamapi says softly, unaware of the words until he hears them coming from his own voice.

“You’re a little late,” Jin tells him, biting his lip and looking like he’s not sure whether to believe him or not.

Yamapi actually smiles, rubbing his thumb along Jin’s cheek while doing everything in his power to keep looking into his eyes. “Then I’ll be your last first kiss.”

Jin blinks, glancing down at Yamapi’s lips before his eyes flutter shut. “Okay.”

Yamapi thinks about confessing, then kisses him instead. This time Jin responds, fervently, and Yamapi wants to kick himself for waiting so long. “I love you,” he says anyway, muffled against Jin’s lips as they keep brushing against Yamapi’s over and over. “I’ve always loved you.”

“I know,” Jin replies, sounding a little choked as his arms wrap snugly around Yamapi’s neck. “You’re _late_ , Tomo-chan.”

Somehow that name in Jin’s adult voice sounds better than any confession. “Better late than never,” Yamapi mumbles.

Jin chuckles. “I was starting to feel that it would be ‘never’,” he admits. “What made you finally come around?”

Yamapi pauses and bites his lip, which Jin immediately pulls out. “This time the senpai learned from the kouhai.”


End file.
